There’s nothing quite as infuriating as having your afternoon of Instagramming and Candy Crush Saga interrupted by some pesky individual who has the nerve to ask you a question. Some call them “customers" or “clients,” we call them “buzzkills.” Because nothing can ruin a nice, relaxing afternoon faster than some malcontent trying to spend money in your business.
So how do you solve this problem of a constant flow of customers coming into your store and distracting you from that crucial decision between tacos or wings for lunch? Here are 10 surefire ways for your small business to get rid of all those pesky customers.
Play Terrible Music in Your Store.
And not just Iggy Azalea. Yeah, she’s terrible but some people actually like her music and might hang around. Industrial German Rock is usually a pretty safe bet for your store’s new soundtrack. Anything that sounds like a hardline manifesto being chanted over a train derailment does the trick nicely. If you’re not so into the international stuff, hard-core heavy metal is also a fairly good customer repellant.
Tell Customers to Park in Tow Away Zones.
Seriously, it’s not fair that you have to park six blocks away while customers can just drive right up to the front door. They’re only there for a few minutes. You’re there all day! So make sure you and your employees take all the good spots and tell your customers it’s cool to park in those spots that say “Chili’s Curbside Pickup Only.” This can actually net you some nice kickbacks from the towing company too, if your city does business with the right kinds of people.
Take Personal Phone Calls and Talk about Nothing.
Customers, you might be surprised to believe, actually DON’T care what your best friend’s cousin said about your new color of nail polish. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t discuss it at volumes usually reserved for airplane tarmacs. It’ll blend in nicely with the industrial death metal.
Don’t Train Your Staff on the POS System.
They’ll figure it out. After all, you’re not shelling out $8.45 an hour for dimwits.
Tell Customers They Are Wrong.
Oh, that price tag says $9.99 but it rang up as $20? You must have missed this “1” I just drew. There, problem solved. Will that be cash or credit?
Use “Rewards Program” Info Inappropriately.
“Hey Jim! It’s Bill from Bayside Plumbing. What? No, nothing’s wrong with your septic tank just wanted to say hi. You’re what? Oh that’s AWESOME! I love frozen yogurt. Which one you at? Hold on I’ll be there in 15 … Your wife? Nah, she won’t mind. Get me one of those almond-mocha/German chocolate swirls. In a waffle cone. Not a cup, Jim. A waffle cone. I’ll take it off your next invoice.”
Close During Business Hours.
And don’t even give them the courtesy of one of those cute “We’ll be back at” clocks on the door. If they call, pick up the phone, insist you’re open, then deadbolt the doors.
Make Comments about Every Purchase.
If you don’t point out the irony of a morbidly obese person ordering your “Heart Attack Burger,” who’s going to?
Do Not Speak the Language of Your Customer Base.
Opening a Mexican grocery in a predominantly Spanish-speaking neighborhood? Make sure all your employees can say nothing more than “donde esta la biblioteca?”, and think speaking Spanish means throwing an “o” on the end of an English word.
Open Social Media Accounts and Abandon Them.
Nothing says “tech-savvy, cutting-edge business” like a goose egg avatar and one lonely Tweet from 2011.
In case you haven’t figured it out yet, this blog post is just an April Fool’s joke. We wouldn’t want you to do any of these things to your poor customers, of course. Just to make it up to you, here is a video showing some of the biggest April Fool’s Day pranks pulled off by big businesses and brands.
Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net